Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
