my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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