Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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