I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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