Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
