I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you had me at cake vodka
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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