remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
