I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
