I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
