I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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