I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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