my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
