Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
