No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
