just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Sorry my hands just texted you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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