He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
