just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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