We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
