I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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