My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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