You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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