I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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