It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
