I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
