Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
