A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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