Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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