I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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