Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
