I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
