Dude my mom stole all your condoms
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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