i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
