she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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