I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
