i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
