Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
