I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
this is an emotional support booty call
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
