It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
