I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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