The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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