Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
