I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
