Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
