so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
