I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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