I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
