Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
