**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
