I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
