uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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