I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
