There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
