I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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