I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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