my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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