So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
